you can find me under the stairs...

Every felt like the world needs to stop, for you to breath and carry on and that you’re suffocating. That every part of you hurts so much and how it doesn’t make sence anyway as the reason you’re hurting, isn’t something you want to be involved with anyway.

I’ve been ok. But today I feel like I just don’t want to be here anymore. I just want it all to stop and it won’t stop and I can’t make it stop and it hurts so fucking much that I just want to scream and scream and scream until i’ve stripped my throat dry and that I just want to cry and cry and cry until theres nothing left inside me and I just don’t want to do this anymore.

I need to put on a front. For friends, for colleagues, for me. For Him. But my front is slipping away and don’t seem to be able to stop it.

I’m so angry, angry that I feel like this, angry that he can still hurt me, angry that I let him treat me the way he did and I became so subserviant I didn’t even recognise myself anymore. I’m angry at my mind. It won’t stop. Even when I’m asleep, which is rare, I dream. and not good dreams.

I don’t want to drink anymore. Then I am just as bad as him. But it numbs it a bit. And that’s all I want. Apathy. I’d settle for apathy right now.

I’m trying to be positive. I’m trying but somtimes it doesn’t work.

It wasn’t supposed to be this way. It wasn’t. I didn’t do anything wrong.

Sometimes I’m fine, other times I want to take a sledge hammer to my face.

I just don’t want to feel.

I haven’t updated in forever. That is in part, because I forgot I had this until I was looking at my Twitter page and saw the link… and also, because I rarely have anything interesting to say.

I’m considering doing some vintage hair and make up tutorials as my friends keep telling me how good I am at them… not really sure thats neccarssary given the amount of them on YouTube… but it might give me something to do…

I feel like a bit of a fraud as I don’t do the hair as often as I should. It’s alot of effort.

Moving back to my mums in a week, which I’m really looking forward to. The prospect of being able to go to sleep at a resonable time without being woken up by idiot housemates is rather exciting. I sound old.

Hopefully once I’m back there I can dedicate more time to looking and applying for jobs in Canterbury and with any luck it won’t be too long until I’m down there permenantly. Oh what a complete joy that would be.

1. red lipstick

2. sitting by the sea

3. reading a book that starts off not so great and then you get really in to it

4. When my boyfriend and I talk utter nonsence to each other

5. Barbeques.

6. Warm days

7. Severe weather warnings

8. Gingham

9. planning movie nights

10. listening to music very loudly - and I am quite rubbish at listening to music as my stereo and ipod are dead, but boyfriend reminded me that I could listen to cd’s on my dvd player and I did. To Social D and it made me happy.

the picture above was taken by me on Brighton Pier in 2006. I just found it in my photobucket. It’s what I imagine heaven to look like.

cut off my hair