no one reads so it’s ok
Every felt like the world needs to stop, for you to breath and carry on and that you’re suffocating. That every part of you hurts so much and how it doesn’t make sence anyway as the reason you’re hurting, isn’t something you want to be involved with anyway.
I’ve been ok. But today I feel like I just don’t want to be here anymore. I just want it all to stop and it won’t stop and I can’t make it stop and it hurts so fucking much that I just want to scream and scream and scream until i’ve stripped my throat dry and that I just want to cry and cry and cry until theres nothing left inside me and I just don’t want to do this anymore.
I need to put on a front. For friends, for colleagues, for me. For Him. But my front is slipping away and don’t seem to be able to stop it.
I’m so angry, angry that I feel like this, angry that he can still hurt me, angry that I let him treat me the way he did and I became so subserviant I didn’t even recognise myself anymore. I’m angry at my mind. It won’t stop. Even when I’m asleep, which is rare, I dream. and not good dreams.
I don’t want to drink anymore. Then I am just as bad as him. But it numbs it a bit. And that’s all I want. Apathy. I’d settle for apathy right now.
I’m trying to be positive. I’m trying but somtimes it doesn’t work.
It wasn’t supposed to be this way. It wasn’t. I didn’t do anything wrong.
Sometimes I’m fine, other times I want to take a sledge hammer to my face.
I just don’t want to feel.
